Live Review: The Beards, Franky Walnut

It's all about facial hair tonight at pro-beard activists The Beards' sold out Farewell Tour gig at Corner Hotel. Beardless John Williamson wannabe Franky Walnut provokes waves of rising testosterone early with 'classics' like As Australian As and Three Word Review (ie "piece of shit"). A six-foot-five, bald-headed, long-bearded punter called Chris is pulled up on stage to provide backing vocals, yet Chris's big guns and barrel chest makes Walnut immediately regret his choice. In closing, Walnut storms off stage after inciting everyone to heckle Chris, call him a wanker and tell him to get fucked.

The Beards raise the vibe immediately with a 'sophisticated' first set, entering to classical music and dressed in top-hatted white tie attire, with a roadie serving VBs on a platter. Emotions run high early with beard anthems Born With A Beard and Damn That's A Nice Beard. The beard love's so intense that Chris jumps back on stage, simulatenously terrifying and upstaging lead singer Johann Beardraven. Some mutual beard-stroking between Chris and Beardraven soon lowers the tension. With arms slung across manly shoulders and beers raised high in the air, deep voices join as one on The Beard Accessory Store, culminating in Beardraven sculling his VB and tipping the dregs on his head. No Beard, No Good finishes the 'sophisticated' first set with Beardraven busting out an epic sax solo, most likely only good because he has a beard.

The Beards change costumes for the less sophisticated second set, with drummer John Beardman Jr looking more comfortable in his blue wifebeater singlet. After I'm In The Mood... For Beards, bass player Nathaniel Beard pulls up punter Kieran to be awarded Best Beard Of The Night. He's given a signed photo of The Beards before exiting via an unsuccessful stage-dive straight to the ground. Nathaniel Beard reprimands a non-bearded punter for "not paying attention", to which said punter responds by swinging drunken emotional punches. Fortunately, Chris calms him down by extending generous beard love to the beardless with a warm bro-hug. You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man and If Your Dad Doesn't Have A Beard, You've Got Two Mums take the show out with keytar and saxophone hijinks and frequent, emotionally charged key changes.

Goodbye and good beard, The Beards: no other band has selflessly done more to advance the pro-beard agenda than you. Will you be shaving it all off when it's over?