Neil Hamburger, Dr El Suavo

How do you stop Neil Hamburger from molesting your children? Give him a microphone. Okay that's not fair. It's Carlos Santana you need to stop from molesting your children and to do so you need to give him a guitar. Or at least that's according to Neil Hamburger. Hamburger is the self-professed America's funnyman, the perennial journeyman comedian, treading the boards for decades, touring chicken shacks, pizza restaurants and greyhound tracks while his contemporaries, the likes of Pauley Shore and Rob Schneider, have gone on to fame, fortune and being beloved by millions around the world. This has made Hamburger bitter and twisted, a nasty jealous little man determined to ruin it for everyone else. Wherever he goes he lowers the tone and tonight is no exception.

Dr El Suavo takes to the stage but the stench of Hamburger casts a decaying pall over proceedings. Suavo, normally St Kilda's leading social commentator/cut-price magician, seems a little off, a little on edge, his magic tricks failing before they begin, abusing the crowd as hipsters and picking fights with 'feminists' in the audience. Eventually though his insightful social commentary pulls him through, that and his wise decision to shelve Viagra prior to taking the stage, which leads to his signature flying erection. It's hard to stay mad at a man with a flying erection.

Next up is Mr Nasty, Neil 'I'm a miserable arsehole who's jealous of your success' Hamburger. He wanders onto the stage with an armful of alcohol, coughing toxically into the microphone. The audience crowd around the stage expectantly, but the noxious fetid stench that spews forth from Hamburger's mouth has them recoiling and shaking uncontrollably. In his firing line are legendary artists like Gene Simmons of Kiss, The Doobie Brothers, Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit and techno hero DJ Diplo, none of whom deserve this treatment. He reserves additional malice towards Steven Tyler, from “hell's own band” Aerosmith, offering comments that aren't fit for print in a decent publication: comments about his novelty mouth, his novelty music and how paedophiles like him shouldn't be allowed to judge children. He quotes from the Bible and launches into a tirade about American Idol. Whilst there is some laughter, it's laughter borne of pain and politeness, as Hamburger uses his caustic shock tactics to mask his own failures in his chosen profession. It's people like him who need to be stopped: mean-spirited people who are contributing to the decaying of our society one joke at a time. Some people find this funny. They should be stopped too.